Portland Postpartum

Since returning to Korea, I've been in the throes of a deep depression. I've hit, what seems to be, a wall. After spending time at home, with my true self finally allowed to show, I realized just how much I miss it.

Upon coming back, I have seen both Portland and Korea in a new light. Not long after landing, the frustrations began (again) with my school and with Korea, leaving me feeling discouraged and helpless. Why did I stay here? How can I leave?

How can I make it better?

The following is an email I wrote to a wonderful friend, who has been one of my pillars of strength and a huge "pro" on the list of great things to come out from moving to Korea. This email I think best communicates what I've been feeling, and how I've been dealing with it:

"I've been spending A LOT of time in meditation lately, and one of Buddha's teachings has really struck me recently:

How much have we already decided our own heaven and hell before we've even woken up in the morning, by chasing after things?

While thinking about this brings me clarity sometimes, other times it leaves me reeling. This year I've spent a lot of time creating both my own heaven and hell. This time, I'm chasing after what is "fair." You dont have to be a Buddhist, or at all religious, to know that life isnt fair. By creating a life where I dont let my path get deviated by what is unfair or "deserved" I then can achieve much bigger things.

While I want to quit, go home, be comfortable, this wont do anything but cause me greater grief in the end by deviating from a bigger cause, and that is just unnecessary suffering. I have to create my own heaven now, and wake up in it every day even when it feels like hell. All this is to say, that maybe I just need to let some shit go!

It was my choice to stay in Icheon, and I must believe with my heart that there were just reasons for doing so. Though I was unaware of how things would change, I still knew what I was getting into to a certain extent. Now, I have to really put myself to the test and take the leap into the existence of what is, and what will be, while for the first time being truly at peace with it. This will not come easily or without tears of fury and despair. It really feels like a turning point for me in my faith as well as my practice of it."

As I sit, with my head in my hands, I try to really remember what the Buddha says about truly being unattached and walking through life with the featherweight knowledge that this too shall pass and everything will eventually be nothing again.

Going home on a roller coaster.

Well, I'm heading home tomorrow. Not in the way I thought I would be, a year ago this month. Instead of saying tearful goodbyes to my friends in Korea, instead I'm saying "I'll see you in a few weeks!"

I've re-signed with my school, and will be staying another year. A WHOLE year. By the time I finish, I will have been an expat in Korea for 2 years.

A year ago today I was an emotional wreck. I was saying goodbye to my friends, my family, my cat. It was the proverbial jump into the abyss of the unknown. It was the biggest move I've ever made to come here, and by far the one that required the most guts. Now that I've flailed about in the abyss and come out on the other side, its not such a big deal.

Its a tough choice to stay here, where I have a stable job and the ability to travel wherever I choose on my many breaks through the year, or to go home and move on with my life goals there. While travel and job stability are great things, they fall short of substituting for home. And, while the comforts of home are pleasing, they will always be there. The grass is always greener.

To be completely honest, I thought this may happen. When I was saying "I'll see you in a year" when I left last March, deep down I knew it would be longer. I didnt want to say it, keeping my fingers crossed that if I didnt say it then it wouldn't happen. But now it is and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

By the time I left Portland, I had been living there for 5 years, had seen my professional aspirations to their height, and completed everything I said I wanted to accomplish about 20 years earlier than I thought I would. I had watched myself get frustrated with Portland's perpetual state of apathy, and as this frustration grew so did my need to get out. The song lyric from the recently publicized "Portlandia" TV show is true: Portland is where young people go to retire.

I am FAR from retirement.

Sitting here, at my desk at school, I reflect on the last year: I came to Korea like a newborn being thrust into the world, throughout the move my Mom met the precipise of death and retreated from it to the safety of good health, my friend group has both stayed loyal as well as changed dramatically, I've covered 3 countries in 10 months, I've felt the disappointment of life once again as I didnt get into the Graduate program that I envisioned, and I've found my calling as a teacher. It's been a rollercoaster that I now realize is going to be the norm. For years, I've waited for the ride to end, asking "When will it just calm down?" but now have come to see that the ride is life and the end is death. Its always going to be this way, and to accept it is to really embrace living.

Tomorrow I will hop on yet another plane, my 4th international flight in 11 months, and try to summarize my life in the Korea section of my personal amusement park. There's just no way to explain what my life is like here. To try and put verbaige to the nuances that make life in Korea vastly different than that of home, is a futile discussion.

Going home and seeing it with fresh eyes is almost more exciting to me than going to unknown countries that I've only seen in books. To learn, again, how to appreciate where I'm from and who's in my corner is the best discovery I can have. I guess its possible that I may discover things that scare me, but for now, I'm just holding on and letting the ride take me where it leads.

See you Stateside in 48 hours!

"I really feel like I need to wash my hands and I don't know why."

The long awaited vacation to Thailand finally came...and went.

Its always strange to me to see how time passes. For months the carrot dangling at the end of the stick has been this trip, and when I finally got it, I found that it was just another carrot.

Being in Thailand was a wonderful experience, and something I'm not sure I'll get to do again. There are so many places in the world that I want to see! Arriving on Koh Samui was a moment that had you asked me a year ago if I thought were possible, I would have laughed. I've come a long way in a short amount of time.

Upon landing, I went to the bungalow that I had researched and booked months prior. I soon realized that when something is advertised as "rustic" what it really means to say is "dilapidated." It was like they took the pictures of the place immediately after building it and then said "thats it!" I went into my "rustic" cabin to realize that the shower drain was simply a hole drilled into the bottom of the wall, and that the beds were a wooden plank with a thin padding and some sheets. This is vacation???

It was time for a drink. Many of them.

I immediately went to the outdoor restaurant and upon sitting down, was greeted by a wonderful English couple that had been traveling the globe for a year. We had a great time swapping stories and drinking the powerful yet cheap Thai beer. We concluded the evening with my favorite tradition of skinny dipping, which may have been one of the highlights of the trip.

A few days later, my friends arrived to complete the 4 Musketeers. Sadly for them, they arrived to me being one gigantic, miserable mosquito bite. The "rustic" cabin had no Air-Con so sleeping with the windows open was totally necessary, and despite the mosquito net's best intentions, it really fell short. This trip was NOT off to a good start for me.

The first few days were a glorious respite from Korea, simply resting on the beach, swimming to my heart's content, and eating the amazing local foods. After months of adjustment and stress of an overloaded schedule, my blood pressure needed to come down a bit, and Thailand was just the thing to do it.

After only being there a short time, I couldn't help but notice some startling differences between the two countries. First, Thailand clearly is more impoverished than Korea, and couldn't possibly have the budget that Korea does for learning English. BUT, where it lacks in budget it makes up for in outgoing personalities and willingness to communicate. I couldn't believe the difference it made in communication! You could speak to anyone, from the hospitality business to the small-town boat captain, and they could communicate in English--or at least tried. This is NOT to say that I think the world should cater to English speakers, but it was nice to be in a place that wasn't ashamed when trying to speak another language.

The second difference was that of overall friendliness and positive attitudes. After being in Korea for 6 months, I'd fallen into the trap of what my good friend Lachlan calls "the Insula' Peninsula." Everything in Korea is viewed as very insular and self-serving, even though the country as a whole takes on the "group think" mentality. But, this kind of juxtaposition is the very essence of Korea. I found myself walking around as in the Korean way of being in my own bubble, and expecting every interaction to be abrasive and rough around the edges. It took me a few days to come out of my Korean haze and realize that I could be myself again. What a freeing feeling to be away from the shackles of an oppressive society.

Finally being able to tap into myself again made all the difference in making the rest of the trip incredible, even though there were other frustrations that came with it. I was thrilled to go out on the water one day, as we found a long-boat driver to take us to a small, remote beach. It was remarkable to see that such places still exist!

Another highlight was going to Ang Thong Marine Preserve; a cluster of 40 very small islands that only allows small amounts of people. It was such a different sea-scape than I grew up seeing. It made me rather emotional when I saw a sailboat much like the one I grew up on, with a family aboard, tacking its way between the islands. What an adventure. It was at Ang Thong that we did some snorkeling (but not enough) and walked into one of the islands to see an inland lake formed by an underground cave to the sea. It was all a little unreal.

While we had these adventures by day, Lachlan and I had our own adventures by night. As it turns out, we were staying in the "red light district" of Koh Samui and the girly bars were a mere walk across the street. This was too good to pass up! So, Lachlan and I found one bar in particular to call home, "Its Up 2 U." While it was a Brothel, I've never met such nice prostitutes! And, their owner, Ruut, was really sweet too!

These people may have been employed doing something that Westerners deem as "wrong" but they didn't seem to mind one bit. I made friends with one of the girls and asked her many questions about her job, life and opinion on the world. She was eloquent, emotionally present and very realistic. It was a refreshing conversation to have in comparison to Korea's "everything is fine" attitude.

One night, Lachlan and I were at the bar and one of the girls was celebrating her "23rd" birthday. I put this in quotes because she was very obviously much younger. It was just him, me, the 3 girls and the Ruut. It was probably one of the best nights I've had in a long time, sharing birthday cake with prostitutes, and drinking whiskey. We whooped it up until the wee hours, then Lachlan and I headed back to our "rustic" bungalow.

Upon walking in, slightly tipsy, I was overwhelmed with one feeling and had to express it:

"I really feel like I need to wash my hands, and I don't know why."

Happy Anniversary Korea!

I remember when we first met. It was a dark, stormy March night. A Sunday. 11:35pm.

I was skeptical of you. You had me more scared than excited, and I didn't know what you were capable of. You challenged my fear of committment and my aviodance of being truly successful. All the things you saw in me I feared, but knew I had to embrace.

Here we are, celebrating almost 6 months together.

We've come a long way in our relationship, growing to have a mutual respect for eachother and seeing what we have to offer the other. Where I go up, you go down. Where I go right, you go left. But somehow, we always come together.

I'm struggling to decide what our next step is, and if at our 1 year anniversary it will be time to part ways or if we are in it for the long haul. I do love you, but there are other things that I love more. Its not you, its me.

I'm excited about our future and cant wait to see what else we will discover together. I love the way you push me to be a better person, teacher and human in this insane world. I love the opportunities you've given me, freely and openly. But, is there a such thing as too much of a good thing?

Self-doubt is my weakness that often prevails and leaves me frantic for more answers. Do I stay or do I go? What do I really want? Its all so much for my already busy mind to digest.

Instead of flowers or a romantic dinner, Korea I give you my respect and gratitude for all you have done for me. I hope our future together stays true and right and wonderful.

They don't call it The Pink Hole for nothin'!

As I walk home at dawn, a smile cracks my face as the night before replays in my mind.

Never in mild wildest imagination did I think my 31st birthday would be spent in Seoul, Korea. Sure, Europe has crossed my mind, but only as a visitor. Its still sinking in that a actually live here. And, its still sinking in that I will be here for 11 more months. Jeesus!

After I was tipped off by another English teacher and the internet that the lesbian area of Seoul is located in the Hongdae area, which is a popular hangout for tourists and locals. Lots of bars, restaurants, street vendors and best of all--gay bars!

After reading numerous things about how the gay community "doesn't exist" in Korea, it was so nice to finally have some proof that it did, and was small but thriving.

So, I found directions via GirlPorts ( http://www.girlports.com/lesbiantravel/destinations/seoul/bars_nightclubs) which was super helpful, and I recommend checking them out if you are a gay in a foreign area. It was time to go find my people!

I met with my good buddy Matt, and new buddy Marissa, and the wild goose chase ensued. After a great dinner of Bulgogi, we hopped on the subway for the VERY crowded 40 minute ride. Packed in like sardines doesn't even capture just how crowded the subway is in Seoul on a Saturday night. All I kept thinking was: I sure hope nobody is sick. And, I sure hope this thing doesn't break down.

We finally made it, and stumbled out to the street that was packed with all kinds of people, Korean, white, black, everyone. It was GREAT to see diversity represented on every corner. We immediately felt like a drink was in order, as just getting to Hongdae was a trek. We found a nearly empty whiskey bar that played American pop music along with videos on a screen that was half the size of the bar. Seriously. Behind us, sat 3 20-something Korean men, who were so excited that we were there, and that Limp Bizket was playing. I'm not sure what is funnier.

After a few warming shots of Johnnie Walker, it was time to attempt The Pink Hole! Just down the street, we managed to find the place using the online directions that included help like "Find the wavy building and turn right. Then, go up 3 crosswalks and turn at the mini-mart." Well, there are about a million crosswalks, and about 2 million mini-marts. None the less, we found the Grail of girls, and excitedly ran down the stairs, into the club.

HALT. As I just about peed myself with excitement, the hipster dyke at the door said in nearly perfect English: Only women here. WHAT? If there are any men that should be allowed into a lesbian bar, its most certainly Matt. Hate crime!!!! While I do appreciate knowing that women are the only ones in the club, lurking around, I don't believe in discrimination either.

Trying to hide my sadness I said, "Well, if my friend can't come in, I don't need to go in either." We walked up the stairs and off to the next bar: a cave-themed Hookah bar with a great selection of Turkish hookahs and imported beer.

We hung out there for a bit, and then Marissa had to get her dance on. She parted and went to the bumpin' club next door, and Matt being the gentlemen he is told me to go see the Pink Hole and meet him later. So, off I went on my solo trip to the hole. Not quite the way I pictured the night, but at least I would get to see it.

I nearly ran back, threw my 10,000won at the door person, and grabbed my free drink. I then stood back and took it all in. The lesbian community certainly existed, and they were not afraid to show it. It was the most gratifying thing to look around and see women bucking the system, revolutionizing a country that is known for its old, rigid ways. I couldn't stop smiling and was so glad to just be standing in the same room as these brave women.

After sitting alone, the only other ethnicity represented among all Koreans, two women approached me. One, who's English name is Kate, spoke in perfect English and asked me where I was from. We talked for about an hour, as I asked her all I could about Korea, the gays and the lives of the 2o-30 year olds who are drastically changing the country's attitudes towards the gay population. (As a side note, I'd just like to say that I think its TERRIBLE that Koreans have an English name because its too hard for English speakers to understand their given names. We would never pick a Korean name to make it easier for them to understand, why should we expect them to accommodate us???!)

After talking with Kate for nearly an hour, she left with her friend and I left to go find Matt who had holed up at a bar with two Finnish men. As I walked back to meet him, I just couldn't help but feel so proud of the gay community for persevering in a part of the world that only 50 years ago was a 3rd world country. People are so resilient.

As Matt and I shut the bar down, listening to Wilco and waiting until we could catch our 5:30am bus, I found myself happy to be part of the world.