Since returning to Korea, I've been in the throes of a deep depression. I've hit, what seems to be, a wall. After spending time at home, with my true self finally allowed to show, I realized just how much I miss it.
Upon coming back, I have seen both Portland and Korea in a new light. Not long after landing, the frustrations began (again) with my school and with Korea, leaving me feeling discouraged and helpless. Why did I stay here? How can I leave?
How can I make it better?
The following is an email I wrote to a wonderful friend, who has been one of my pillars of strength and a huge "pro" on the list of great things to come out from moving to Korea. This email I think best communicates what I've been feeling, and how I've been dealing with it:
"I've been spending A LOT of time in meditation lately, and one of Buddha's teachings has really struck me recently:
How much have we already decided our own heaven and hell before we've even woken up in the morning, by chasing after things?
While thinking about this brings me clarity sometimes, other times it leaves me reeling. This year I've spent a lot of time creating both my own heaven and hell. This time, I'm chasing after what is "fair." You dont have to be a Buddhist, or at all religious, to know that life isnt fair. By creating a life where I dont let my path get deviated by what is unfair or "deserved" I then can achieve much bigger things.
While I want to quit, go home, be comfortable, this wont do anything but cause me greater grief in the end by deviating from a bigger cause, and that is just unnecessary suffering. I have to create my own heaven now, and wake up in it every day even when it feels like hell. All this is to say, that maybe I just need to let some shit go!
It was my choice to stay in Icheon, and I must believe with my heart that there were just reasons for doing so. Though I was unaware of how things would change, I still knew what I was getting into to a certain extent. Now, I have to really put myself to the test and take the leap into the existence of what is, and what will be, while for the first time being truly at peace with it. This will not come easily or without tears of fury and despair. It really feels like a turning point for me in my faith as well as my practice of it."
As I sit, with my head in my hands, I try to really remember what the Buddha says about truly being unattached and walking through life with the featherweight knowledge that this too shall pass and everything will eventually be nothing again.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Going home on a roller coaster.
Well, I'm heading home tomorrow. Not in the way I thought I would be, a year ago this month. Instead of saying tearful goodbyes to my friends in Korea, instead I'm saying "I'll see you in a few weeks!"
I've re-signed with my school, and will be staying another year. A WHOLE year. By the time I finish, I will have been an expat in Korea for 2 years.
A year ago today I was an emotional wreck. I was saying goodbye to my friends, my family, my cat. It was the proverbial jump into the abyss of the unknown. It was the biggest move I've ever made to come here, and by far the one that required the most guts. Now that I've flailed about in the abyss and come out on the other side, its not such a big deal.
Its a tough choice to stay here, where I have a stable job and the ability to travel wherever I choose on my many breaks through the year, or to go home and move on with my life goals there. While travel and job stability are great things, they fall short of substituting for home. And, while the comforts of home are pleasing, they will always be there. The grass is always greener.
To be completely honest, I thought this may happen. When I was saying "I'll see you in a year" when I left last March, deep down I knew it would be longer. I didnt want to say it, keeping my fingers crossed that if I didnt say it then it wouldn't happen. But now it is and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.
By the time I left Portland, I had been living there for 5 years, had seen my professional aspirations to their height, and completed everything I said I wanted to accomplish about 20 years earlier than I thought I would. I had watched myself get frustrated with Portland's perpetual state of apathy, and as this frustration grew so did my need to get out. The song lyric from the recently publicized "Portlandia" TV show is true: Portland is where young people go to retire.
I am FAR from retirement.
Sitting here, at my desk at school, I reflect on the last year: I came to Korea like a newborn being thrust into the world, throughout the move my Mom met the precipise of death and retreated from it to the safety of good health, my friend group has both stayed loyal as well as changed dramatically, I've covered 3 countries in 10 months, I've felt the disappointment of life once again as I didnt get into the Graduate program that I envisioned, and I've found my calling as a teacher. It's been a rollercoaster that I now realize is going to be the norm. For years, I've waited for the ride to end, asking "When will it just calm down?" but now have come to see that the ride is life and the end is death. Its always going to be this way, and to accept it is to really embrace living.
Tomorrow I will hop on yet another plane, my 4th international flight in 11 months, and try to summarize my life in the Korea section of my personal amusement park. There's just no way to explain what my life is like here. To try and put verbaige to the nuances that make life in Korea vastly different than that of home, is a futile discussion.
Going home and seeing it with fresh eyes is almost more exciting to me than going to unknown countries that I've only seen in books. To learn, again, how to appreciate where I'm from and who's in my corner is the best discovery I can have. I guess its possible that I may discover things that scare me, but for now, I'm just holding on and letting the ride take me where it leads.
See you Stateside in 48 hours!
I've re-signed with my school, and will be staying another year. A WHOLE year. By the time I finish, I will have been an expat in Korea for 2 years.
A year ago today I was an emotional wreck. I was saying goodbye to my friends, my family, my cat. It was the proverbial jump into the abyss of the unknown. It was the biggest move I've ever made to come here, and by far the one that required the most guts. Now that I've flailed about in the abyss and come out on the other side, its not such a big deal.
Its a tough choice to stay here, where I have a stable job and the ability to travel wherever I choose on my many breaks through the year, or to go home and move on with my life goals there. While travel and job stability are great things, they fall short of substituting for home. And, while the comforts of home are pleasing, they will always be there. The grass is always greener.
To be completely honest, I thought this may happen. When I was saying "I'll see you in a year" when I left last March, deep down I knew it would be longer. I didnt want to say it, keeping my fingers crossed that if I didnt say it then it wouldn't happen. But now it is and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.
By the time I left Portland, I had been living there for 5 years, had seen my professional aspirations to their height, and completed everything I said I wanted to accomplish about 20 years earlier than I thought I would. I had watched myself get frustrated with Portland's perpetual state of apathy, and as this frustration grew so did my need to get out. The song lyric from the recently publicized "Portlandia" TV show is true: Portland is where young people go to retire.
I am FAR from retirement.
Sitting here, at my desk at school, I reflect on the last year: I came to Korea like a newborn being thrust into the world, throughout the move my Mom met the precipise of death and retreated from it to the safety of good health, my friend group has both stayed loyal as well as changed dramatically, I've covered 3 countries in 10 months, I've felt the disappointment of life once again as I didnt get into the Graduate program that I envisioned, and I've found my calling as a teacher. It's been a rollercoaster that I now realize is going to be the norm. For years, I've waited for the ride to end, asking "When will it just calm down?" but now have come to see that the ride is life and the end is death. Its always going to be this way, and to accept it is to really embrace living.
Tomorrow I will hop on yet another plane, my 4th international flight in 11 months, and try to summarize my life in the Korea section of my personal amusement park. There's just no way to explain what my life is like here. To try and put verbaige to the nuances that make life in Korea vastly different than that of home, is a futile discussion.
Going home and seeing it with fresh eyes is almost more exciting to me than going to unknown countries that I've only seen in books. To learn, again, how to appreciate where I'm from and who's in my corner is the best discovery I can have. I guess its possible that I may discover things that scare me, but for now, I'm just holding on and letting the ride take me where it leads.
See you Stateside in 48 hours!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
