Since returning to Korea, I've been in the throes of a deep depression. I've hit, what seems to be, a wall. After spending time at home, with my true self finally allowed to show, I realized just how much I miss it.
Upon coming back, I have seen both Portland and Korea in a new light. Not long after landing, the frustrations began (again) with my school and with Korea, leaving me feeling discouraged and helpless. Why did I stay here? How can I leave?
How can I make it better?
The following is an email I wrote to a wonderful friend, who has been one of my pillars of strength and a huge "pro" on the list of great things to come out from moving to Korea. This email I think best communicates what I've been feeling, and how I've been dealing with it:
"I've been spending A LOT of time in meditation lately, and one of Buddha's teachings has really struck me recently:
How much have we already decided our own heaven and hell before we've even woken up in the morning, by chasing after things?
While thinking about this brings me clarity sometimes, other times it leaves me reeling. This year I've spent a lot of time creating both my own heaven and hell. This time, I'm chasing after what is "fair." You dont have to be a Buddhist, or at all religious, to know that life isnt fair. By creating a life where I dont let my path get deviated by what is unfair or "deserved" I then can achieve much bigger things.
While I want to quit, go home, be comfortable, this wont do anything but cause me greater grief in the end by deviating from a bigger cause, and that is just unnecessary suffering. I have to create my own heaven now, and wake up in it every day even when it feels like hell. All this is to say, that maybe I just need to let some shit go!
It was my choice to stay in Icheon, and I must believe with my heart that there were just reasons for doing so. Though I was unaware of how things would change, I still knew what I was getting into to a certain extent. Now, I have to really put myself to the test and take the leap into the existence of what is, and what will be, while for the first time being truly at peace with it. This will not come easily or without tears of fury and despair. It really feels like a turning point for me in my faith as well as my practice of it."
As I sit, with my head in my hands, I try to really remember what the Buddha says about truly being unattached and walking through life with the featherweight knowledge that this too shall pass and everything will eventually be nothing again.
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