"I really feel like I need to wash my hands and I don't know why."

The long awaited vacation to Thailand finally came...and went.

Its always strange to me to see how time passes. For months the carrot dangling at the end of the stick has been this trip, and when I finally got it, I found that it was just another carrot.

Being in Thailand was a wonderful experience, and something I'm not sure I'll get to do again. There are so many places in the world that I want to see! Arriving on Koh Samui was a moment that had you asked me a year ago if I thought were possible, I would have laughed. I've come a long way in a short amount of time.

Upon landing, I went to the bungalow that I had researched and booked months prior. I soon realized that when something is advertised as "rustic" what it really means to say is "dilapidated." It was like they took the pictures of the place immediately after building it and then said "thats it!" I went into my "rustic" cabin to realize that the shower drain was simply a hole drilled into the bottom of the wall, and that the beds were a wooden plank with a thin padding and some sheets. This is vacation???

It was time for a drink. Many of them.

I immediately went to the outdoor restaurant and upon sitting down, was greeted by a wonderful English couple that had been traveling the globe for a year. We had a great time swapping stories and drinking the powerful yet cheap Thai beer. We concluded the evening with my favorite tradition of skinny dipping, which may have been one of the highlights of the trip.

A few days later, my friends arrived to complete the 4 Musketeers. Sadly for them, they arrived to me being one gigantic, miserable mosquito bite. The "rustic" cabin had no Air-Con so sleeping with the windows open was totally necessary, and despite the mosquito net's best intentions, it really fell short. This trip was NOT off to a good start for me.

The first few days were a glorious respite from Korea, simply resting on the beach, swimming to my heart's content, and eating the amazing local foods. After months of adjustment and stress of an overloaded schedule, my blood pressure needed to come down a bit, and Thailand was just the thing to do it.

After only being there a short time, I couldn't help but notice some startling differences between the two countries. First, Thailand clearly is more impoverished than Korea, and couldn't possibly have the budget that Korea does for learning English. BUT, where it lacks in budget it makes up for in outgoing personalities and willingness to communicate. I couldn't believe the difference it made in communication! You could speak to anyone, from the hospitality business to the small-town boat captain, and they could communicate in English--or at least tried. This is NOT to say that I think the world should cater to English speakers, but it was nice to be in a place that wasn't ashamed when trying to speak another language.

The second difference was that of overall friendliness and positive attitudes. After being in Korea for 6 months, I'd fallen into the trap of what my good friend Lachlan calls "the Insula' Peninsula." Everything in Korea is viewed as very insular and self-serving, even though the country as a whole takes on the "group think" mentality. But, this kind of juxtaposition is the very essence of Korea. I found myself walking around as in the Korean way of being in my own bubble, and expecting every interaction to be abrasive and rough around the edges. It took me a few days to come out of my Korean haze and realize that I could be myself again. What a freeing feeling to be away from the shackles of an oppressive society.

Finally being able to tap into myself again made all the difference in making the rest of the trip incredible, even though there were other frustrations that came with it. I was thrilled to go out on the water one day, as we found a long-boat driver to take us to a small, remote beach. It was remarkable to see that such places still exist!

Another highlight was going to Ang Thong Marine Preserve; a cluster of 40 very small islands that only allows small amounts of people. It was such a different sea-scape than I grew up seeing. It made me rather emotional when I saw a sailboat much like the one I grew up on, with a family aboard, tacking its way between the islands. What an adventure. It was at Ang Thong that we did some snorkeling (but not enough) and walked into one of the islands to see an inland lake formed by an underground cave to the sea. It was all a little unreal.

While we had these adventures by day, Lachlan and I had our own adventures by night. As it turns out, we were staying in the "red light district" of Koh Samui and the girly bars were a mere walk across the street. This was too good to pass up! So, Lachlan and I found one bar in particular to call home, "Its Up 2 U." While it was a Brothel, I've never met such nice prostitutes! And, their owner, Ruut, was really sweet too!

These people may have been employed doing something that Westerners deem as "wrong" but they didn't seem to mind one bit. I made friends with one of the girls and asked her many questions about her job, life and opinion on the world. She was eloquent, emotionally present and very realistic. It was a refreshing conversation to have in comparison to Korea's "everything is fine" attitude.

One night, Lachlan and I were at the bar and one of the girls was celebrating her "23rd" birthday. I put this in quotes because she was very obviously much younger. It was just him, me, the 3 girls and the Ruut. It was probably one of the best nights I've had in a long time, sharing birthday cake with prostitutes, and drinking whiskey. We whooped it up until the wee hours, then Lachlan and I headed back to our "rustic" bungalow.

Upon walking in, slightly tipsy, I was overwhelmed with one feeling and had to express it:

"I really feel like I need to wash my hands, and I don't know why."

Happy Anniversary Korea!

I remember when we first met. It was a dark, stormy March night. A Sunday. 11:35pm.

I was skeptical of you. You had me more scared than excited, and I didn't know what you were capable of. You challenged my fear of committment and my aviodance of being truly successful. All the things you saw in me I feared, but knew I had to embrace.

Here we are, celebrating almost 6 months together.

We've come a long way in our relationship, growing to have a mutual respect for eachother and seeing what we have to offer the other. Where I go up, you go down. Where I go right, you go left. But somehow, we always come together.

I'm struggling to decide what our next step is, and if at our 1 year anniversary it will be time to part ways or if we are in it for the long haul. I do love you, but there are other things that I love more. Its not you, its me.

I'm excited about our future and cant wait to see what else we will discover together. I love the way you push me to be a better person, teacher and human in this insane world. I love the opportunities you've given me, freely and openly. But, is there a such thing as too much of a good thing?

Self-doubt is my weakness that often prevails and leaves me frantic for more answers. Do I stay or do I go? What do I really want? Its all so much for my already busy mind to digest.

Instead of flowers or a romantic dinner, Korea I give you my respect and gratitude for all you have done for me. I hope our future together stays true and right and wonderful.

They don't call it The Pink Hole for nothin'!

As I walk home at dawn, a smile cracks my face as the night before replays in my mind.

Never in mild wildest imagination did I think my 31st birthday would be spent in Seoul, Korea. Sure, Europe has crossed my mind, but only as a visitor. Its still sinking in that a actually live here. And, its still sinking in that I will be here for 11 more months. Jeesus!

After I was tipped off by another English teacher and the internet that the lesbian area of Seoul is located in the Hongdae area, which is a popular hangout for tourists and locals. Lots of bars, restaurants, street vendors and best of all--gay bars!

After reading numerous things about how the gay community "doesn't exist" in Korea, it was so nice to finally have some proof that it did, and was small but thriving.

So, I found directions via GirlPorts ( http://www.girlports.com/lesbiantravel/destinations/seoul/bars_nightclubs) which was super helpful, and I recommend checking them out if you are a gay in a foreign area. It was time to go find my people!

I met with my good buddy Matt, and new buddy Marissa, and the wild goose chase ensued. After a great dinner of Bulgogi, we hopped on the subway for the VERY crowded 40 minute ride. Packed in like sardines doesn't even capture just how crowded the subway is in Seoul on a Saturday night. All I kept thinking was: I sure hope nobody is sick. And, I sure hope this thing doesn't break down.

We finally made it, and stumbled out to the street that was packed with all kinds of people, Korean, white, black, everyone. It was GREAT to see diversity represented on every corner. We immediately felt like a drink was in order, as just getting to Hongdae was a trek. We found a nearly empty whiskey bar that played American pop music along with videos on a screen that was half the size of the bar. Seriously. Behind us, sat 3 20-something Korean men, who were so excited that we were there, and that Limp Bizket was playing. I'm not sure what is funnier.

After a few warming shots of Johnnie Walker, it was time to attempt The Pink Hole! Just down the street, we managed to find the place using the online directions that included help like "Find the wavy building and turn right. Then, go up 3 crosswalks and turn at the mini-mart." Well, there are about a million crosswalks, and about 2 million mini-marts. None the less, we found the Grail of girls, and excitedly ran down the stairs, into the club.

HALT. As I just about peed myself with excitement, the hipster dyke at the door said in nearly perfect English: Only women here. WHAT? If there are any men that should be allowed into a lesbian bar, its most certainly Matt. Hate crime!!!! While I do appreciate knowing that women are the only ones in the club, lurking around, I don't believe in discrimination either.

Trying to hide my sadness I said, "Well, if my friend can't come in, I don't need to go in either." We walked up the stairs and off to the next bar: a cave-themed Hookah bar with a great selection of Turkish hookahs and imported beer.

We hung out there for a bit, and then Marissa had to get her dance on. She parted and went to the bumpin' club next door, and Matt being the gentlemen he is told me to go see the Pink Hole and meet him later. So, off I went on my solo trip to the hole. Not quite the way I pictured the night, but at least I would get to see it.

I nearly ran back, threw my 10,000won at the door person, and grabbed my free drink. I then stood back and took it all in. The lesbian community certainly existed, and they were not afraid to show it. It was the most gratifying thing to look around and see women bucking the system, revolutionizing a country that is known for its old, rigid ways. I couldn't stop smiling and was so glad to just be standing in the same room as these brave women.

After sitting alone, the only other ethnicity represented among all Koreans, two women approached me. One, who's English name is Kate, spoke in perfect English and asked me where I was from. We talked for about an hour, as I asked her all I could about Korea, the gays and the lives of the 2o-30 year olds who are drastically changing the country's attitudes towards the gay population. (As a side note, I'd just like to say that I think its TERRIBLE that Koreans have an English name because its too hard for English speakers to understand their given names. We would never pick a Korean name to make it easier for them to understand, why should we expect them to accommodate us???!)

After talking with Kate for nearly an hour, she left with her friend and I left to go find Matt who had holed up at a bar with two Finnish men. As I walked back to meet him, I just couldn't help but feel so proud of the gay community for persevering in a part of the world that only 50 years ago was a 3rd world country. People are so resilient.

As Matt and I shut the bar down, listening to Wilco and waiting until we could catch our 5:30am bus, I found myself happy to be part of the world.

Shinha Elementary School

My first day of work began only 12 hours after arriving in Icheon.

At 8:10am, Lily picked me up to take me to school, which was sweet of her considering that the walk is only 10 minutes.

Immediately upon arriving at school, I heard the loud morning music that the students are greeted with each day. Just like at any other elementary school, the kids were running around and enjoying their last moments of freedom before the long school day began. Some things are universal.

Lily and I ran into the school administration building, as there is no walking during the workday, just running place to place. I was introduced to the other teachers who happened to be in the staff lounge, as well as the 2 Vice Principals of the school. The school is so large that apparently they need twice the guidance.

Next came meeting the principal,and I was already scared. We knocked on the door, and waited until we heard a grunt from the other side. We walked in to the largest office I'd ever seen, lined with rows and rows of tall, individually potted bamboo and other large plants. At the front of the room was a large desk, flanked by old gorgeous pottery. To the left, was the "conversation" desk with a low chair and second desk, obviously used for more informal meetings. In front of it was a long row of about 20 chairs, 10 on each side, and a long table. My guess is this is where the staff meetings are held?

It was meeting the principal where I saw the cultural differences begin. While the US is subversively patriarchal, Korea is overtly so. Lily spoke in a quieter voice than usual when addressing the principal, and bowed many times before even finishing her sentence. It was clear that this man had a lot of power, money and prestige.

We sat down, and conversed with Lily as the interpreter. Its hard to tell what someone is thinking or feeling when you can't understand the language or the tone. From what I gathered, it seemed the principal was leery of me, when in actuality, he was simply wondering where I was from and what college I attended. Even in another country, when you tell someone that you went to The Evergreen State College, they look at you quizzically.

We talked, all the while the principal speaking to me and I to him, with Lily as the voice. The only other 2 direct questions for me were: How old are you? and Are you single? I kind of did a double-take when he asked these questions, as a superior would never ask such things in our culture.

After this, I was shoved in front of a camera upstairs, and introduced to the ENTIRE school of 1,00 students during morning announcements. Jet lagged and puffy, I did not look like a real teacher I'm sure. Then, Lily and I ran downstairs to the teacher's workroom, where my computer and desk sat waiting for me.

What I found comical, and still do is the fact that South Korea has the largest contract with Microsoft in the world, and is supposed to be the technology capital of the universe, yet I sat down to log onto my computer and it crashed. At that, its running on old Microsoft software that most of us are beyond. About a million times a day, I have to re-start my computer at work and I chuckle/growl at it.

Throughout the day, I sat in the back of Lily's classes trying hard to not let the jet-lag show, and putting on the biggest grin I could. Pretty soon, these kids would be all mine, and I couldn't let it show that I was absolutely terrified.

Leaving and Arriving: Part II

After hopping into the van with a complete stranger who spoke no English, it was all blind faith from that moment on.

I'm sure the driver had seen the look on my face a million times, as he picks up foreigners and new teachers all the time. Wide-eyed and aghast at the new surroundings, I watched as we got closer to Incheon, Ansan and Seoul. Even though I had seen cities, bridges, skyscrapers and cars before, it was like the first time all over again.

Now, reader, let me remind you of an important detail: For 6 months I had been preparing to make this journey across the Pacific and researching every facet of South Korea, and Incheon City. I have never been more prepared for a trip as I am now.

Imagine my sheer panic when my driver flew right on through Incheon City. I felt my jet-lagged heart racing despite my exhaustion, and tried to explain to my driver that I think we missed an exit. This was futile considering the language barrier and the fact that he was the driver from South Korea, not I. Would I tell a neurosurgeon how to do brain surgery though I had never done one? Probably not.

We kept driving and driving, all the while letting me experience the near death moments that occur on a Korean freeway regularly. An hour later, my driver pulled into a dark lot nearby a gas station and a few small shops. He stopped, grabbed his pack of cigarettes and got out. I sat digesting where I was at and what was going on. What was going on??

Finally, the driver explained that I was in fact living in Icheon city, the dark, looming building in front of us was actually my school and we were waiting for my co-teacher to arrive and show me to my new home. OOPS. Oh the difference a letter can make.

My co-teacher, Lily, arrived not long after, and explained in broken English that she was my go-to gal in Korea. Little did I know at the time what a life-line she would become; my only one here.

We drove a short distance up the street to a small dirt road, with broken down cars and old shipping freight containers turned into small shops along side. Just as I thought, "Who could live here?" Lily said, "We are at your apartment." Excuse me????

Just around the corner from the shanty-town, surrounded by urban rice paddies, stood a dark, 3 story building. On one side the rice paddies, and the other a tire warehouse, the building was to become my new home. Lily helped me carry my heavy bags up the 3 flights of stairs, turned left and down the hall. She opened the door and my apartment stood waiting for me, barely vacant from the previous teacher.

Lets put things in perspective a bit. I grew up sailing with my family, and am used to small spaces. I am definitely ok with cozy. I never quite imagined living in something the size of a 3 star hotel room, with 1 star amenities. Immediately in the door stands my small gas range for cooking, no oven. Lily quickly showed me how to turn the gas on and off, while I considered how little it would take to fill this room and blow it to pieces if I wasn't careful.

She then showed me the bathroom. My tired brain took a second to realize that there was no shower, just a nozzle attached to the sink, and the whole bathroom would become the shower when I needed to bathe. Just like using the head on the sailboat, but with more water.

The main room was filled with the bed/futon, which given its immense ratio to the actual room, I wish it were more comfortable. On the far end of the room, was a something I hadn't considered, but is very common among Korean living: a sliding glass door to a small sun room, with more sliding glass to the outside. In this small room is a washing machine and a drying rack. And, a pot for Kimchi. What I didn't realize is how airtight and super efficient this makes the apartment. It was immediately clear that these are smart people, working with what they have.

Lily asked me if I had any questions, then informed me that she would be outside waiting at 8am the next day to show me the way to school. EIGHT A.M??? It was 11pm, and according to my body, I had been awake for almost 2 days.

After Lily left, I sat on my new bed, looking at my surroundings with a disbelief in really being here. I had been telling myself, and everyone else that I was going to do this for months, and I actually followed through. Thats what it feels like.

The time leading up to my departure hadn't been any easier than the leaving itself. Unemployment had left me feeling worthless and without hope for the future, stress and resentment had built to a fever-pitch within, my heart recently broken like it had been so many times before, and uncertainty of where I was going with this thing called life weighed on me greatly. Finally sitting in an empty, sterile room in South Korea was the first time I had a chance to let it all go.

As I laid awake, hearing the new sounds and smelling the new smells, I felt at home in a whole new way: I finally get to start over.

Leaving and Arriving: Part I

Ok, readers, now this blog can start for real.

There wasn't much to say about Korea when I hadn't gotten there yet, but here I am. For those of you that I haven't been able to send personal emails to, I apologize and now can give you the details you've been craving.

The first leg of my sojourn began with Amtrak and a few great friends to see me off. We raced the clock as Starlight Train #62 was the last to leave the station that Friday evening. Arriving just in time for the conductor to do a final boarding call, I dragged my Dad's old Army duffel bag full of my most prized possessions, favorite clothes, a few pounds of locally made soap, and 3 boxes of organic tampons to the door. The rush made my goodbye brief, and I regretted it until I learned that the wagon-train of friends who saw me off ran around the train station building to see my train pull out. Thanks Shaun, Andi and Michelle!

As I sat watching Portland disappear, it struck me that I wasn't coming back. For a while that is. When you're leaving behind everyone and everything you love, even to make your life better, it still hurts like hell. The guy sitting next to me smelled bad as he devoured his nachos and chewed his entire cup of ice, one cube at a time, but I didn't care. I was pretty distracted.

I arrived in Tacoma WA to my ever-patient Dad waiting. My Dad does a lot of waiting. Somewhere in the last month, the floodgates of emotion burst and no matter how hard I try, I just can't stop crying! So, when Dad asked me how it felt to leave Portland, the tears flowed. We went back to my parents house, where my mom lay ill in bed. My only worry about leaving was not what was ahead, but leaving her behind, sick and miserable, unknowing how her wracked body would recover.

I ate my "last meal" of Dad's fusion cooking, did some laundry and went to sleep. I kept waking every hour wondering if I had missed my plane, secretly hoping I did. No such luck.

The next day came, and I made it to the airport in plenty of time after bidding my family, friends, cat and home farewell. My Dad, who is often busy with work, took me and sat with me as I nervously watched the clock. We haven't done a lot of talking in our adult years, but we did that day. I think I learned more about my Dad in those hours than I have in a long time. I'm grateful for that time, it marks a precious place in our lives.

1pm, Saturday March 6th came, and I walked aboard Korean Air Flight #020, and sat in my cramped window seat in the VERY back of the plane. At first I wasn't so keen on sitting way back there, shoved into the wall, but I learned that it was the best place to be. As we took off, I said goodbye to the state I grew up in, and all the mixed emotions I had about that place. Seattle doesn't sit well with me.

The flight turned out to be the smoothest part of this journey thus far. It was beautiful! We flew the northern route which meant I got to see Mt. McKinley/Denali up close, then fly over the Arctic Sea and Russia. I couldn't help but laugh out loud after thinking of Sarah Palin's insistent remark "I can see Russia from my own backyard!" HA! I couldn't even see it after many minutes of flight at 37,000 feet!

I also couldn't help but think of the state of our earth as I flew over the giant ice flows, showing obvious signs of melting and movement. It is Spring, so there is something to be said for some of it, but were all those fissures and ice-filled rivers supposed to be there? Going off to Asia, a dense and overpopulated area of the world, is hard when you consider yourself an environmentalist.

The 10.5 hour flight seemed to go by in a blink. I didn't sleep, I didn't write, I just distracted myself with music and movies. "The Blind Side" was interesting, but really not Oscar worthy if you ask me. Before I knew it, we were flying into Incheon International, where I still had yet to
find out if anyone would be there to pick me up. After 2 hours clearing Customs, I found Dad's old yet trusty duffel bag and walked out of the gate. Among a sea of Korean faces, I found my name on a sign held by a small, smiling man. He didn't speak a word of English, but he grabbed my bags, pointed to the van and off we went to begin a whole new life......

Part II coming soon!

Heaven will smell like the airport

The big day is finally here!!!

I completed the first leg of my journey today, taking the train to my mom and dad's in tacoma. Inching ever closer to Incheon, tomorrow is the final leap. Woah.

I never expected that I would be this person; daring, bold and adventurous. I always knew I had it in me, but never really figured out how to tap into it. I guess I just needed a good kick in the butt.

It makes me sad to think that I have to leave everyone and everything I know behind to take a step forward, but I know there is a reason for all this. I'm not going to try and figure it out now, but I'll know it when it comes.

The Neko Case album "Middle Cyclone" is so applicable to my life right now, on every level. Leaving, staying, heartbreak, growth, its all there. If you want to know what its like on this end, give it a good listen. I'll leave you with a line from it, and see if its still true once I get to Korea tomorrow. Think it will be just as meaningful then as it is now:

"Yes there are things that I'm still so afraid of, but my courage is roaring like the sound of the sun...and heaven will smell like the airport."

Goodbye Northwest, I'll miss you fiercely.

Saying goodbye sux.

Its easy to prepare the details of leaving the country when you have a list in front of you, but there is no way of preparing for the emotional roller coaster of saying goodbye.

The good-byes have begun, and something tells me its not going to get any easier. I hate this part.

I know that change is always hard, and to truly make great strides there will be some pain involved. Just ask Lindsay Vonn, who right this second just won her first Gold Medal, while having agonized over injuries, previous losses and had "given up everything for this." I'm no Lindsay Vonn, but I sure understand sacrificing for success.

Thank you to everyone, especially my family, for helping me to believe in myself and that anything is possible.

Its going to be really hard to not have you all around, but I know you're still in my corner.

Its really happening...I'm going to Korea!

After last week's disappointing news that the jobs were filling quickly, I was pleasantly surprised when I checked my email on Monday.

The title of the email: We got for you a placement!

Ha, English teachers are still in demand.

Almost immediately, I sprung into crisis mode wondering if now that I had a job, would I take it? There were suddenly a million reasons why I wanted to stay home, comfortably miserable: Trouble, my super rad apartment, meeting new people and potential love interests, nothing has to change. Though there are a million reasons to stay, there are two million reasons to go.

I consulted friends, the Buddha and myself for answers. All resounded in the same answer: you have to experience life, not wonder about it. So, I signed my contracts, FedEx'd them today, and that's all she wrote. This train has left the station, and its plowing into Incheon City on Feb. 28th 2010.

Holy shit.

When I arrive, I have no idea what to expect. Will there be anyone at the airport to meet me? Will I immediately start teaching? What is safe to eat? NO IDEA.

I am beginning to look forward to inspiring the youth of Sinha Elementary in any way I can. Until now, I had never considered teaching elementary school kids, but I find myself thinking about language as a child again--and its fun! Remember all the word games we played as children, never quite realizing how much we gain from simple tasks?

It will be a grand adventure to be in Korea, almost alone. In a suburb of 2.5 million people, and a bus ride away from one of my closest friends, I don't think isolation will have an easy time creeping in. It will, but it doesn't have to stay long.

I now anxiously await my Visa number so the process can be complete. This involves the arduous drive to Seattle, which I am not pleased with. There, I will go to the Korean Consulate and become a real ex-pat.

Waiting for the phone to ring.....

Just Gotta' Get out of This Place...

The news came down today. I didn't make it in the first round of hiring in Korea.

Why does it seem that getting to Korea is so much easier for others? I've jumped through all the hoops, been patient, and still this is the outcome. I suppose the lesson in all this is to relinquish all control of my own destiny.

There is still some slim chance that it can work, or I can just start over again. I'm just so tired of starting over again.

Welcome to my life

Hey all!

As promised, I'm starting a blog to document my travels, and all the drama leading up to them!

I'm still waiting to hear back from Korea as to where and when I'll be placed, so check here for all the detailed news. I'll still be posting things on FaceBook and emailing you, but this will be my new go-to in keep you all informed.

Join me as West goes East, the roller coaster ride is just beginning!

Talk soon!
West